EPISODE 5:

Episode Content:

Hello Out There, how is everyone doing these days?

It has been such a challenging and weird time – some of us are working harder than ever and are busier than ever – others are finding themselves having to making up new ways to fill the time – that is when you’re not worrying about your health, your loved ones, the collapse of the global economy, unemployment, or how you’re going to get by when the toilet paper runs out.

I went to the grocery store a few days ago – my one trip out this week! – and could not believe that there was still no toilet paper in the aisle. Someday I’m sure it will all work itself out, but until then it’s a weird feeling to have such a simple necessity complete unavailable. I have enough for another few weeks, then it’s going to start getting weird.

 This moment that we are in is a time of societal trauma. We are going through a lot right now, and I know some of you are on the front lines. I had a personal scare over the last week when I fond out a relative was a presumptive positive case – the testing later came back negative, but it was quite a roller coaster ride.

Whenever the possibility of death arises, when we are witnessing loss of life, fear for the lives of ourselves or others, or when we are overcome with feelings of fear or helplessness, the possibility of trauma arises. So, I thought I’d spend this episode talking a bit about resilience, and in particular I’ll look at seven coping strategies that can help us be more resilient and protect ourselves and our loved ones from trauma as we go through this profoundly challenging time. This information is based on social science research, but be aware that it is for educational purposes only. If you are truly struggling, or have existing mental health symptoms or vulnerability, I would strongly suggest you seek out appropriate care and treatment. The earlier the better, particularly if you are in a difficult spot right now.

 Principle one is to cultivate a belief in your own ability to cope.

When we’re going through hard times like we are right now, it’s easy to get overwhelmed, feel helpless, and start to wonder how on earth we’re going to survive.

It’s important to validate these fears, maybe put your hand on your chest and tell yourself that it’s okay to be scared right now. Take a few breaths there, and let yourself have that moment of fear. Too often, when we feel fear we hurry up to try to make it go away, start thinking, distract ourselves, and generally run the other way. While occasional distraction is not a problem, we’ll be better served by gently and kindly acknowledging our pain in the moment. Tell your fear “I see you.”

From there, we can start to build a more robust response. You can tell your fear “I see you, AND we are going to get through this.”

We need to start cultivating an awareness of our personal strengths and resources, and reminding ourselves that we have what we need inside of us to get through this. Take a moment to list the capacities that you can bring to bear in this current situation – things that are not dependent on other people or outside circumstances – things like adaptability, intelligence, a sense of humor, courage, perseverance, resourcefulness, assertiveness, appreciation/gratitude, and so on – that can all help you right now.

If you are having a hard time coming up with anything, it might be useful to step back and think about other hardships you have been through, and what personal qualities and skills helped you get through that.

We need to believe in our own abilities, to feel confident that there is strength within us to draw upon. We might never had gone through anything like this before, we may be uncertain and fearful, but and that’s all okay – as long as we see the whole picture, which also includes all the wonderful capacities that we have that we bring into this situation.

Now of course our inner strengths are just one part of the picture. This is why the second principle is to stay connected with sources of support.

This is not the time to say “I don’t have the time” to be in touch with friends, loved ones, faith leaders, and other supportive people in your life. This is the time to double down on these connections. If you are busy, it might mean sending short text messages, or scheduling a ten minute phone call on one of your breaks.

We are social animals, and we need a tribe. Tribes make us feel safe and supported. A tribe will deliver toilet paper to our doorstep in the middle of the night. A tribe will send you funny memes to get you through a hard shift. If you are working a lot right now, maybe at a health care facility, try to foster a sense of community support among your coworkers. Even if there’s a long history of complicated interpersonal politics, this is a time to rise above that and work towards a common goal.

If you don’t have a lot of people in your life right now, have a look around. There are many new little tribes now forming online using phone and video technology. Churches and meditation centers are livestreaming services and programming online. It could be as simple as follow a hashtag on Twitter or Instagram, or joining a Facebook group on a shared interest. Shoot a message to your people and see who wants to get together for a weekly video or conference call just to do a check-in circle. Everyone can get a few minutes to share, then socialize or do a planned activity together.

This connects to principle three, which is talking about what you’re going through. It does not have to be a lot, or often, but it does not work to bottle things up and say “I’ll deal with it later.” We need to work on processing what we’re going through at least somewhat in real time. If it’s hard to find someone to talk to, you might take to journaling or sending emails to loved ones who are far away.

IF you do have people nearby, one simple structure is to do a ‘walk and talk.’ Choose someone to take a short walk with -  your choices might be limited right now- it could be a family member in your little quarantine circle – it could be a coworker you can take a break with – but this could also be adapted and done on the telephone.

Decide how long you are going to walk, let’s say a 20 minute ‘out and back’ trip, maybe to the end of your street and back. For the first 10 minutes, one person gets a turn to talk in an uninterrupted way about how they are doing. When it’s time to turn back, for the next 10 minutes, the second person gets to do the same. When you are the listener, your job is just that – to listen, not offer advice or commentary, maybe nod and make your “mm-hmm” sounds, if the speaker doesn’t find it distracting. When you are the speaker, just say what you are thinking and feeling in the moment. You could finish the sentence “I have been feeling…” or “What I’ve been thinking the most about has been…”

This paired sharing activity also helps fulfill principle four, which is being helpful to others.

This will likely not come as a surprise for listeners of this podcast, but it can be very rewarding and empowering to take care of others during hard times. When we see that we can make a difference in someone else’s pain, it reduces our own feelings of helplessness. It enhances our sense of control and efficacy in the world, which helps protect us from feeling overwhelmed as can be the case when we are being traumatized.

It is important not to rely only on this principle, and to not help others to the point of burning yourself out. Be sure you are keeping your own battery at least mostly charged, and you should be fine.

Also, don’t forget to pause now and then and notice the ways in which you are helping others. Sometimes we can get so habituated to it, or even feel obligated to do so, that we don’t stop to experience the rewards of helping someone. At the end of the day, make a little list of all you did today to help others, and savor that sense of accomplishment and effectiveness. We can never do everything, but you’ve done something to alleviate the suffering of others and that should be rewarded and respected.

Principle five is to activate positive emotion.

You can do this alone or with other people, or both, but it is essential. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with the difficulties and challenges the world is facing right now, but we can’t stay there or else we will drown in it. We need to do things to cultivate positive emotions as well.

One obvious example is to find things that make you laugh. There are late night TV shows doing their routines from home, there are a lot of funny memes going around, and many of those can help you laugh specifically about aspects of the situation we are all going through. These can be great, and I recommend committing yourself to watching, following, and connecting with whichever of these sources most amuse you right now.

I do have a word of caution around political humor right now- it can be fine, so keep it on your list if you find it enjoyable and helpful – but be aware of its impact, it might contribute to your overall “news fatigue” if you are watching it too much, too often, or not in balance with other sources of humor.

It is a good time to get laughs from pre-pandemic sources of entertainment. Find your old favorite sitcoms, stand-up comics, heartwarming rom-coms, and other art or literature that can get you away from the current crisis for a time.

It’s important to remember that “activating positive emotion” is not just about laughter. There are all kinds of positive emotions – gratitude, appreciation, love, intimacy, connecting to the beauty of nature, the pleasure of a home-cooked meal, a “runners high”, tapping your foot or dancing to music, the sense of accomplishment of completing a home maintenance project – and these are all available to you now. The trick is that you need to find the things that give you positive feelings, and build them into your life right now.

 Principle six is to cultivate the attitude of survivorship rather than victimhood.

There’s a reason why many of us were so touched by Gloria Gaynor’s recent hand washing version of “I Will Survive.” We need these affirming messages that we have the strength we need to get through this hardship. The more we focus on feelings of helplessness, the more we will feel victimized and become more vulnerable to the lasting impact of trauma.

It may help to connect to other survivors who you know and respect, and imagine cultivating their qualities. You might have a parent, grandparent, or distant relative who survived terrible life events – World War II, the Great Depression, Past health threats like polio or the Spanish flu, and so on. It can be good to remember these relatives at times like this, to feel a sense of family connectedness to survivors of past profound hardship. We can be survivors too. Even though COVID is quite deadly at the population level, for any individual who gets it the odds are that we will survive it. If we continue following public health advice, we can reduce our personal risk of exposure. We have control over that, if not everything. If we are working, we can connect to the feeling of being a brave front line worker providing an essential service, and let that inspire us – rather than ruminating about our helplessness if we wish our workplace had shut down.

It is important not to invalidate the reality that we are all being put through hardship at this time, and that there are circumstances beyond our control. We are not completely in control, but we aren’t completely helpless either. The Survivor Narrative is much more supportive of our mental health in the long run- many of us have seen it at play in other media stories of trauma, in health care there is a focus on – for instance – cancer survivorship. We can learn something from those approaches for ourselves at this time.

Finally, principle seven is to seek meaning.

Whatever your belief systems are – or aren’t – we can still find a sense of meaning in all of the hardship we are enduring right now.

Start by considering existing beliefs and sources of meaning you have. You might believe something like “I can learn something from everything” or “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” You might believe that what matters most is how you’re remembered by family or others, like Maya Angelou who said “people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou.

Once you’ve connected with your beliefs or sources of meaning, contemplate how they apply in the current circumstances you find yourself in. A simple contemplation practice might be to set a timer for five minutes, write a belief or value at the top of a piece of paper, something like “there’s a lesson in everything” – then spend five minutes brainstorming a list of how that can be applied at this time. For instance, you might say “I’m learning to be more patient… I’m learning that life is precious… I’m learning to be less petty with my family or coworkers… I could learn a new skill… I’m learning new skills that future generations will need to know…” and so on.

If writing things down is not your thing, you could just do a brief contemplation practice. Sit for a few minutes – as many as you can spare – and say a word, phrase, or quote to yourself. It could be a line from a spiritual text, or a song lyric, or a favorite quote that is relevant at this time. As you say the words to yourself, savor the way they sound and the meaning they convey. Reflect on their application in your current situation, and see what your mind comes up with. If your mind wanders off, just bring your attention back to the phrase or quote.

Another simple practice is to read or re-read something meaningful or inspiring to you each day. There are websites that will send a poem or quote a day, or if you have a favorite self-help or spiritual text you could use that.

So that’s it, seven doorways into a more resilient frame of mind for the current crisis. You can grab the whole list at TheWellHelper.com, and let me know how it’s going as you try to implement them into your life.

Until next time, be well, take care of yourself, and each other.